One step beyond

It happened all last night. Well, our romance actually happened way before that but the first formal step into wedding madness occurred last night at a restaurant named Ole. My fiance and I have been going out for 2 years, 9 months and 15 days to be exact. Talk of marriage was skirted around and teased about but marriage was just a wishful thought, a dream, flight of fancy but nothing else until last night.

Last night was supposed to be a time to get together with friends to celebrate the new year, our friendship, and the achievements of Sumisibol, this non profit organization that I founded. Was I expecting a marriage proposal at this event? There were clues that I speculated on. Such as Vin patting himself down supposedly " to look for a pack of cigarettes". Yet, it wasn't like Vin to make himself the center of attention in such a public space so I quickly swatted that notion out of head.

So, there I was a bit tired from a stressful workday talking to friends and catching up. There I was when Vin gathered friends to the table. I thought, "Good, I and others from Sumisibol should speak to our friends and have a toast to Sumisibol obtaining its first grant from the state. Thank God, Vin is taking that initiative." Did I suspect a proposal then? I kind of entertained the idea but I was tired and I just listened. Then came Vin with the speech thanking people for coming and telling them how I enjoyed being with my friends (Which is true). Then he said, "That is why I would like you to participate in this." Then he got down on one knee and proposed in front of friends, my brother, strangers, and Ole waitstaff. Of course, I mumbled a yes while I wept with joy and excitement.

How surreal that moment was. How surreal it continues to be. How funny that things haven't changed much. I thought that I would experience this great change, this transformation. Yet, because things remain the same it feels surreal because things are beginning to change. Oh how I am afraid to change. I am afraid of setting up this wedding; I am afraid of the move into my own home; I am afraid of being a wife and possibly mother. These fears don't reflect the measure of love I have for Vin. I love him more than life itself. I miss the times I am not with him. These fears reflects more my measure of myself. How good will I be at all these things? How good will be in handling all these changes? Am I basically good enough?

So, this blog is an indulgent exercise of catharsis and self-reflection. I will chronicle the good times, the stressful times, the funny times, and the confusing times of this wedding process. So, I would like to thank you for indulging me in this exercise and I hope that you will find this entertaining as I will find it relieving. Trust me the rest of the blogs won't be so long, so cerebral, and so boring. I probably won't have time to do that as I start taking the steps to plan the wedding. Lucky you!!!